My Oscar Predictions (with apologies to Ring Lardner)

Well, Hollywood is fixing to have its annual awards ceremony and covered-dish supper this weekend, and trophies will be given out for Best Picture, Best Actor, and Best Tuna Casserole. This fete is quite the deal and there will be entertainment provided by a professional comedian, provided his gig at the Kiwanis luncheon doesn’t run long. I’m happy to report that there was no truth to the rumor that, due to the stinky economy, this year the gold statues would be replaced by Target gift cards. Since so many people have expressed no interest whatsoever in my opinion, I’ll give my crystal ball on who will come away with the snazzy hardware:

Best Actor: Jeff Bridges is pretty much a shoo-in. I haven’t seen Crazy Heart and probably won’t, but Robert Duvall was great in Tender Mercies and it sounds like the same flic. And Robert Duvall is also in Crazy Heart, ergo Jeff should win. My logic is peerless, no?

Best Actress: All the gals here are top notch. I’ll go with Meryl Steep, because her character was the tallest. But then Carey Mulligan really got after it too. Hell…just slice up the trophy on the bandsaw 5 ways and give it to all of them.

Best Bandsaw: Powermatic 1791216K

Best Picture: Since movies are only half as good as they use to be, there are 10 nominees for this coveted prize, instead of the usual 5.

Up and Up in the Air have similar titles and will confuse voters and cancel each other out.
Avatar and District 9 will divide the sci-fi buffs.
Hurt Locker and Inglorious Basterds will share fans of war movies.
The romantics will split 3 ways on Precious, An Education and Blind Side.
So, A Serious Man will win since Minnesotans in Hollywood tend to vote in a bloc.
But it will be close…it may have to go to the Supreme Court.

Best Song: Do you care? The last winner of this prize I could think of was Theme from Shaft…and that wasn’t exactly last year.

Best Supporting Actor: I usually go talk to a man about a horse when this part is on.

Best Supporting Actress: Mo’nique will probably win since she is no threat to the other actresses, who tend to get cast as skinny girls.

Best Director: Ms. Bigelow will win. None of the actors in the Academy will vote for James Cameron because his video game movies might end up putting them out of bizness.

Well that about wraps it up. I was going to make some more predictions but I didn’t think about it until after I’d submitted this post, and then it was too late.
You know me Al.