Friday, February 19, 2010

Moscow, Belgium (2008)

Alright…this red-blooded American has had it. First, we lose our textile industry to China. Then, we lose our automobile industry to Japan. And now, the nation of Belgium is trying to steal our monopoly on insipid, improbable romantic comedies.

“Moscow, Belgium” so thoroughly wallows in pleasant predictability it seems unfair that one should have to read subtitles to experience such mediocrity. Who knew brooding, caustic Europeans were even capable of such unrelenting blandness? They have learned their lessons well, these industrious Belgians, and if we don’t stay on our toes, they will soon corner the market on America’s last remaining export: Date Movies.

Sure, you scoff now…but that day is coming my friends. And think of the devastation.
Nothing but Flemish (and French, and a little German) spoken on the Lifetime Channel.
Sandra Bullock, reduced to a Walmart greeter.
Zooey Deschanel selling insurance.
Next thing you know, the Dardenne brothers will be making science fiction films with obscenely high budgets.
“Oh it can’t happen here” you say. I‘m here to tell you it can my friends! And it will, if we don’t act. But it’s not too late. Join me in my campaign to resist Flemish perfidy. Tell the Belgians to keep their waffles, their sheep dogs, their delicious full-bodied ales, their massive draft horses and their Congo. In turn, they must keep their endive-pickin’ hands off of our rom-coms.


The Frightening Details

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